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May
29

Tell Me Why I Don’t Like Weekends

People love weekends. I imagine most people loving the three-day weekend this week.

I like weekdays. Why?

During the week, I stress constantly at work; I work in a stressful job in a stressful environment. I sleep poorly. I eat whatever is quick because I feel tired. On the train home, I slide down the seats like a bag of wet sand, and into an exhausted snooze.

But weekdays mean people. Weekdays mean being out of my flat and out of my head. Weekdays mean things to do.

I failed to learn to make friends very well. I mean, school, especially boarding school it’s easy. Close proximity and common problems glue people to together naturally. Human nature tends towards tribes. I’m sure there are a lot psycho-social terms and reasons.

I blame my dad; don’t we all blame our parents. But in single-parent family, when the parent is an alcoholic and a vicious one to boot, anger is the only form of communication. I failed to learn anything resembling social skills. But that was just on the bad days. Good days he deserted us, preferring the company of barflies and girlfriends.

But that means being alone often. I learn mostly by imitation. The imitated people on television as best I could I guess. In real life I gained weight and my disability affected me more and more.

I used to wish I was an alcoholic or religious so I had a ready-made community.

Friends tended to be people who reached out to me rather than the other way around. I craved company yet felt horribly anxious around people. Everyone, over the years who reached out to me, I owe a great deal. Boyfriends and a husband filled the void when I had them. More-ready made company.

It took years – decades – before any doctor correctly diagnosed my bipolar disorder. I realise now how much energy I spent containing my disability as best I could. I failed often. As I got older things worsened. I experienced a hormonal imbalanced un-diagnosed as well. Naturally, ageing exacerbated it.

Now meds control those things and I learn as best I can to reach out and try to make friends. I started learning to build friendships. Social anxiety and utterly poor social skills dog me still. Next I need to learn to try to pre-plan socialising on weekends to avoid too days alone. Particularly lately as I struggle with a bout of depression.

But today, I don’t like weekends.

Time to reach out.